i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
