We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
