Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
