Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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