girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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