Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
