So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
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Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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