she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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