Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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