Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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