the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
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