That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
