i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
