yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
