I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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