Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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