Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
