I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
