Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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