she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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