I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
