We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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