Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
