woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Couch. On fire.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
