I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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