"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
