Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
