She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
