FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
