I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He better not be in your backpack
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
