I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
