sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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