Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
