I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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