Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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