i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
