Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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