After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
