I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
