is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
