What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
