Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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