apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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