i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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