Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
