I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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