If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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