i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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