ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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