In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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