Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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