Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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