There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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