Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
