I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
