I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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