i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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