the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
