I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
