hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
