She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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