i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
