he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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