I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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